This question completely changed how I think about jealousy and envy

This science-backed strategy is the reframe we all need.

Hello friends!

Whether it's due to the nature of my job or just my personality, I’ve always struggled with envy. I spent a large portion of my 20s comparing myself to others—I wished I had their bodies, their careers, their hair (well, maybe not hair, I’ve always liked my hair).

I would be lying if I said envy didn’t still creep in from time to time, but the difference is that I now have a lot more tools for dealing with it, which is the subject of today’s mini-episode.

Before we dive in, I want to make a clear distinction between jealousy and envy. People use them interchangeably, but they’re actually different. Envy is the feeling that comes up when you want something someone else has, like a promotion or strong, toned arms.

Jealousy is the fear of losing something you have to someone else. It often shows up in relationships or social dynamics, like feeling jealous when your partner talks to an ex because you’re worried you’ll lose them.

Make sense? I’ve struggled with both, but in general, I’m more of an envy girlie. And asking myself one question has massively helped with it:

Would I swap my whole life with the person I’m envious of?

This science-backed strategy works wonders for me, and I can guarantee it will for you, too. Whenever I feel envy start to creep in, I ask myself: would I actually trade my entire life for this person’s that I’m envious of? Not just the one shiny thing I’m focused on right now, but the whole package: My husband, my friends, my brain, my way of seeing the world. And the answer is always no.

Would I trade life with this guy for being a pop star with a mediocre partner? Definitely not.

We often want to cherry-pick. We want this person’s money, that person’s job, someone else’s partner—but lives aren’t mix-and-match. Every part of someone’s life is connected, and swapping one piece would mean swapping all the invisible threads that come with it.

Take fame, for example. I’ve always thought that the experience of hearing thousands of people sing your songs back to you must be a peak life experience. And when I’ve talked to musicians, they’ve told me it is. But do I want the constant safety concerns, the questioning of people’s motives, the loss of privacy that comes with that? Definitely not.

It’s a bit like The Butterfly Effect. If you saw the 2004 movie with Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart, you know what I’m talking about (the movie was panned, but I happened to love it and reference it often, clearly). The butterfly effect is the idea that every trait, even the tiniest ones, ripples out into the rest of your life. If you like even one part of your life or yourself, that means the whole web matters. We fool ourselves into thinking we could have the good without the bad, but we honestly have no idea what would change if we started picking pieces out of the puzzle.

From the episode:

“I have this niggling part of my brain that’s like, you have this one wild and precious life, and you'll never get to hear thousands of people singing your songs back to you on stage. To be clear, I cannot sing, but I've always thought that it must be a peak life experience to get to go up on stage and hear people sing your songs back to you.

I've interviewed people who've gotten to do that, and they confirm that it is indeed a peak life experience. But do I want everything that comes with fame? Do I want to always be worried about my safety and my security? Do I want to always wonder if people are hanging out with me because it feels cool, or it looks good for them, or they think they're gonna get something out of it, versus because they actually like me? Would I swap my husband or my sister, or my friends? The answer becomes immensely clear. No.”

The takeaway:

If envy is negatively impacting your life, ask yourself if you would be willing to 100% trade places with the person you’re envious of. If you had their money, you would also have their partner. Is that something you want?

For more incredible research-backed insights into coping with jealousy and envy and actually finding ways to make these emotions improve your life (yes, this really is a thing), head over to today’s mini-episode of the pod on Spotify, Apple, or YouTube.

Let me know in the comments: What are the things you're most jealous or envious of?

Xo,

Liz

P.S. Paying subscribers always get access to key takeaways from the episode and full episode transcripts. We also have can’t-miss bonus content every Friday, like gut reset and attention span challenges, and super-personal peeks into my own life (last week I posted my full weekly workout routine). So, please upgrade to paid if you are able!

Key episode takeaways